leaving utah


i look at the hell

and watch the tears,

i hold your hand and stroke your hair

as any sister deserves.

these are the times that

try our souls

and let us pull out

who we know we should be.

there were wrongs,

there were rights

and watching it all collapse in rubble

feels like autumn news.

things fall apart,

but we scar and grow stronger

and sit here and wonder

when things will change.

and you find her

exactly when you need her –

she is strong and

she is angry,

she will take you

where you need to go.

we used to laugh a lot but only because we thought that everything good always would remain.


march 2007

it’s chilly and clear, and tonight i’m alone in the snow. i’m closing my eyes, moving around the table, the monopoly board, the campfire, the circle of kids holding hands and giving the gypsy a quarter because she loves them. i hold my arms out and spin around in the gazebo, through heaven and hell, at the edges of theater balconies and woods overlooking the twin towers. smoke fills my lungs and beer fills my belly, i lose, i win, i connect. i hear the songs, feel the embrace, smell the ocean. i think of warm summer nights, fueled by coffee and lit by the stars. i think of my youth.

there has been magic. i have shared moments – unexplainable, unspeakable, beautiful moments. i have been in a room that was glowing with love. i have laughed until it felt dangerous and i have cried someone else’s tears. there have been nights of connection and primal understanding. i have been understood, truly and wholly. i have answered the questions right, slid down the slide, swum naked. there have been misses and what ifs, mistakes and mayhem, foibles and fables. i’ve been medicated and sliced open, inked and scarred. life has stolen my crown, but i’ve always had an army to fight with me and get it back. i have known true friendship.

i have been blessed with amazing people to love. the miles stretch the strings, but my heart is strong and the knots are tightly tied. the hands are reaching out to mine, seeking my touch as i seek theirs. time flows but does not erode. this is the family we choose, this is the love we celebrate, this is forever.